Ball of Nerves

When we first experience love we learn and set down tracks, patterns and preferences. Our first love had the largest influence on these moving forward. I remember being in high school and envying girls who had not fallen in yet. Seeing their happiness and productivity and knowing that I had so much energy going into this relationship that I was skimping everywhere else. Or those girls that had short and graceful or even short and shitty first loves. Maybe grass is greener or maybe having a long and terrible first love really is the worst thing ever. To lay tracks that I now consider to be unhealthy. To connect love with abuse. To believe that the heights of love have to be associated with the depths of pain and despair. Right now I associate what I consider to be negative patterns I see in myself with that time of my life, but who is to say that its not just me. That I am prone to be a hot mess, that I give everything right when I realize there is a possibility for the future to be successful.

Does that relate to the reality that I do not connect with many men? Those I do connect with I am willing to thrown down for right away. These men, these rare instances their experience give them a perception of me that no one else sees. Thats interesting though. I have this concept that “if only they could see how I really am 98% of the time” when in reality it doesn’t matter how I am all the time, it matters how I am with them. And I am a straight mess. 

I feel needy, insecure, emotional and not good enough. When ever I encounter a man that actually see possibilities in the future with. That I crave to spend time with. Are these responses because of my past. Those tracks that I paved or are they that I choose men who continue to run through those same tracks. I cannot assume that these men are like that first guy, but I can remember the caution I consistently take. He had made me feel this way and once I was really in, a year into what felt like a fairy tale, I began to question my competence, we became on and off, I was competing with drugs and other girls and I saw my value lessen and lessen over the years until my frustration amounted to be being a ball of nerves, sensitive to every touch in ever direction, even the good ones. So no mater what he did or I did it hurt. Can I work through this on my own, it is my responsibility to but I don't know whether this is something I can do on my own or in therapy. Do I need to work through it with someone who actually cares enough to put a little time and patience in to me changing these patterns. 

When I am in it and I don’t know whether they are in it I go back to the 15 year old girl that didn’t eat and didn’t sleep and couldn’t work through the concept that I might not actually be wanted, as what they value in me is my only value. Maybe that’s why I am not open to people. I am afraid of what might happen…. 

Fuck. no. that’s not it. Thats some bullshit. I just think I am too good for people. I don’t want to dedicate my time. Maybe I go for these amazing guys that are out of my league, and they look at me the way I look at guys here in Detroit. Like the universes ultimate backward messed up pay back. 

Maybe I need to tattoo on my mind the concept that “you cannot love someone into loving you” and “no one can love you into loving them” god damn is that depressing. As if love should be set aside because it's just too much to deal with. 

There is also this crazy irrational fear that someone will snatch these good ones up. What is that… if they are single now who’s to say someone is about to come snatch them. How can a person even snatch a person...these tracks. Then again I find men in relationships and marriages that I know if I had acted before, I might have been the one married. 

Why is this so important to me. Is this new birth control messing with me? YES. Thats surely part of it. 

Honestly, I think I have always been this way. When I see a possibility with someone my imagination runs wild. Do I need to fix that, because I don’t really want to. It is so rare that I see possibilities for a future. I work for months, griding to succeed and the rare instances where someone walks through the door unexpectedly and melts all my barriers away is... well, a biennial occasion. Just incase we all struggle with that term... it means every two years. 

I know I scare men, away with all these feelings I have pent up. It scares me too and its pretty painful honestly to be void of emotions for so long and then have them rush in at this intensity.

Maybe this is why I like artists, they are most understanding and I admire their ability to consistently convey emotions because I struggle so much with that. 

I should probably go see someone to work on this. Would that be caving through? Let me go to a therapist so I can make myself more presentable to society? More acceptable, easier to be around, Why would I want to change these things. Why work so hard, this acute pain I am experiencing now is short lived and I know it. So is the long term dull feeling of being alone. A therapist cannot fix this and neither can a man. Life cannot just be good. 

The good feels of acceptance this weekend were rightfully accompanied by these feelings of doubt this week. Maybe being quiet and working through it would be the best option, maybe thats what all the girls are doing that I look to thinking "how the fuck do they always have their shit together". 

Everything that I have, the house, the job and the friends. I can make all of that where ever I go that is not depended on anyone else and I know I can create it for myself. The love I cannot, can I? The love I would chase. I would follow to the ends of the world. It seems so irrational but it is one of the most well thought out and rational conclusions I have ever come to. I can be happy in Indonesia, in Mexico, in Chicago or Cali or Germany or Palestine. I can create a home, I can find friends…. But I have gone years with out finding love. Well, I find love and lose it an instance later. 

This is why people cross boarders for love, or is that not actually a real thing... It goes against everything I have been raised with. Everything that has brought me this work ethic, and dedication. I would up and run to a man I thought I could be happy with. If it worked great, if not I rarely fail to make the best of every situation I am in. 

What would I regret more, the failure of a relationship or the failure to even venture out for one.