Self Worth? Since When?
Today I feel like their is a hole, in my stomach, or I guess my diaphragm. As if my lungs could fill, but never enough to feel full regardless of the size of the breath I take.
Maybe its the discomfort of transitions as the school year ends. I have grown really attached to these kids and I find quite a bit of my joy in spending time with them whether I want to admit it or not.
Honestly though I know its more than that. It has been years since I was in a relationship with someone that I truly adored. Key words there, I have been in relationships but not with anyone I figured I could spend time with in a limitless way.
Over the last six years I have been crossing paths with people that I feel as if have the potential to be somewhat of a soulmate. I don't believe in everlasting love but, I figure everything lasts for a little right? So its worth it.
These people I cross paths with, have pushed me to realize how emotional I really am. Since all the craziness I experienced in high school, I figure that I had stunted my emotional growth enough to avoid the intensity of my emotions.
I hadn't, I just put off those developments for later. Which is shit now because I have to work through calming these intense ass emotions to insure I don't scare the shit out of people that I feel a connection with. I feel like a naive animal of prey that just wears all the feels on my sleeves, and the logic of a predator as my brain keeps reminding me how stupid it is to wear all these emotions so blatantly.
The point of this is that I realized that I have been attaching a good chunk of my own self worth to the willingness of those I value to value me. Being the emotional recluse I have been for the last five years I have done well to avoid letting anyone close enough to damage my self worth.Yet that also came along with the assumption that those I am interested in couldn't see me the way I see them.
I wish I would have been training myself to maintain my self-confidence in the face of disappointment/rejection, rather than hiding from the disappointment and rejection to maintain a semblance of self worth.
I want to accept relentless change, and part of that has become the acceptance of the fact that I need to work on my emotions and capacity to love, that is what the universe seems to be saying. Maybe that is why I crossed paths with this guy, maybe I am just here for a little to learn from my experience with him, and in reality he will learn from me whether he is open to it or not. We all leave marks on each other, regardless of how light or small they might be. That is a reassuring thought.
I feel like an under prepared teenage girl, a hot-mess over the lack of interest I see from someone that I find so interesting. Like I am reverting back to the abusive relationship/tendencies I felt in high school. Also, this is all my perception right? He might be really interested and just showing it how he knows how to, and I am reading way to much into it.
Do I take things with a grain of salt and shut off, block it out and not allow that to be a path for my imagination to wander anymore? Close off and cover all the nerve endings I have exposed? Or is that the unhealthy route I have been functioning on for years?
Do I leave myself raw and exposed, will I survive? Is it worth it? Can I use this to teach myself to allow an open space for possibilities with him, yet avoid attachments and expectations? Or is that just creating a doormat out of myself? Expectations are good when they are clear and communicated right? Could we even have relationships with out expectations?
This all lead me to a thought on my drive to Home Depot this morning. Why is it that we feel the need to own people? Or is it just me? Why does my confidence stem from my association with or the appreciation of someone else. That is a recipe for disaster.
I don't know where he is at in his life. How can I connect my self worth to the perception he has of me. Can I trust him to even see me? Regardless of how much of a boss I am, he might not be in the right place, or maybe hes not willing to feel the connection I am, or maybe the immense value I hold, is not something he can see, or deems valuable.
True Love, life long love, if it exists seems to be so many paths crossing, like an impossible line in the universe forming. What if that line never forms for me? Will my life be fulfilling, will I get to the end and be disappointed by the absence of it? Can I be happy and have a good life with out a significant other? Can I find enough joy in the temporary? Significant others are not forever either way right, we are born alone and we die alone and that is something I am okay with. The idea of not finding a partner to grow with for some portion of the intermediary scares me. Seeing all of these other people who have found their people, is one of the largest factors of me questioning my self-worth. If they have it, whats wrong with me, why can't I have it too, even just for a little bit.
I feel as if when I meet someone I see a possibility of a future with (which of course I see in the first 10 minutes of meeting them) I begin to plan or paths to cross, to plan everything to a successful outcome. That's some fake shit though, all stemming from the disappointment and anxiety associated with the possibility of not finding it.
You need the initial connection, the continued interest, the physical contact, the alignment of goals and paths and physical location. If those are not all there you need to both be in a place, and be interested enough/ willing to make some of those work.
Shit, forget whether he is in the right place, look at me and my jealousy, insecurities, anxiety. I need to work this all out before I can be a pleasant person to be with don't I. Can I work through this on my own through? Or do I need to conscript some poor soul to dredge through it with me?
I want to temper my emotions because society expects me to. So should I temper them, or let them run-wild (and be that crazy lady) in a standing resistance to the status quo.
Maybe its the discomfort of transitions as the school year ends. I have grown really attached to these kids and I find quite a bit of my joy in spending time with them whether I want to admit it or not.
Honestly though I know its more than that. It has been years since I was in a relationship with someone that I truly adored. Key words there, I have been in relationships but not with anyone I figured I could spend time with in a limitless way.
Over the last six years I have been crossing paths with people that I feel as if have the potential to be somewhat of a soulmate. I don't believe in everlasting love but, I figure everything lasts for a little right? So its worth it.
These people I cross paths with, have pushed me to realize how emotional I really am. Since all the craziness I experienced in high school, I figure that I had stunted my emotional growth enough to avoid the intensity of my emotions.
I hadn't, I just put off those developments for later. Which is shit now because I have to work through calming these intense ass emotions to insure I don't scare the shit out of people that I feel a connection with. I feel like a naive animal of prey that just wears all the feels on my sleeves, and the logic of a predator as my brain keeps reminding me how stupid it is to wear all these emotions so blatantly.
The point of this is that I realized that I have been attaching a good chunk of my own self worth to the willingness of those I value to value me. Being the emotional recluse I have been for the last five years I have done well to avoid letting anyone close enough to damage my self worth.Yet that also came along with the assumption that those I am interested in couldn't see me the way I see them.
I wish I would have been training myself to maintain my self-confidence in the face of disappointment/rejection, rather than hiding from the disappointment and rejection to maintain a semblance of self worth.
I want to accept relentless change, and part of that has become the acceptance of the fact that I need to work on my emotions and capacity to love, that is what the universe seems to be saying. Maybe that is why I crossed paths with this guy, maybe I am just here for a little to learn from my experience with him, and in reality he will learn from me whether he is open to it or not. We all leave marks on each other, regardless of how light or small they might be. That is a reassuring thought.
I feel like an under prepared teenage girl, a hot-mess over the lack of interest I see from someone that I find so interesting. Like I am reverting back to the abusive relationship/tendencies I felt in high school. Also, this is all my perception right? He might be really interested and just showing it how he knows how to, and I am reading way to much into it.
Do I take things with a grain of salt and shut off, block it out and not allow that to be a path for my imagination to wander anymore? Close off and cover all the nerve endings I have exposed? Or is that the unhealthy route I have been functioning on for years?
Do I leave myself raw and exposed, will I survive? Is it worth it? Can I use this to teach myself to allow an open space for possibilities with him, yet avoid attachments and expectations? Or is that just creating a doormat out of myself? Expectations are good when they are clear and communicated right? Could we even have relationships with out expectations?
This all lead me to a thought on my drive to Home Depot this morning. Why is it that we feel the need to own people? Or is it just me? Why does my confidence stem from my association with or the appreciation of someone else. That is a recipe for disaster.
I don't know where he is at in his life. How can I connect my self worth to the perception he has of me. Can I trust him to even see me? Regardless of how much of a boss I am, he might not be in the right place, or maybe hes not willing to feel the connection I am, or maybe the immense value I hold, is not something he can see, or deems valuable.
True Love, life long love, if it exists seems to be so many paths crossing, like an impossible line in the universe forming. What if that line never forms for me? Will my life be fulfilling, will I get to the end and be disappointed by the absence of it? Can I be happy and have a good life with out a significant other? Can I find enough joy in the temporary? Significant others are not forever either way right, we are born alone and we die alone and that is something I am okay with. The idea of not finding a partner to grow with for some portion of the intermediary scares me. Seeing all of these other people who have found their people, is one of the largest factors of me questioning my self-worth. If they have it, whats wrong with me, why can't I have it too, even just for a little bit.
I feel as if when I meet someone I see a possibility of a future with (which of course I see in the first 10 minutes of meeting them) I begin to plan or paths to cross, to plan everything to a successful outcome. That's some fake shit though, all stemming from the disappointment and anxiety associated with the possibility of not finding it.
You need the initial connection, the continued interest, the physical contact, the alignment of goals and paths and physical location. If those are not all there you need to both be in a place, and be interested enough/ willing to make some of those work.
Shit, forget whether he is in the right place, look at me and my jealousy, insecurities, anxiety. I need to work this all out before I can be a pleasant person to be with don't I. Can I work through this on my own through? Or do I need to conscript some poor soul to dredge through it with me?
I want to temper my emotions because society expects me to. So should I temper them, or let them run-wild (and be that crazy lady) in a standing resistance to the status quo.
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